♫♫ I will survive! ♫♫

What do you do when you are faced with a 5-minute life-changing situation that will possibly affect the rest of your life? Do you run, do you freak out, do you sit back and take it all in before acting on it, or do you simply just get on with it and let the future reveal itself?

I’ve been through a few of those life-changing events. In fact, I actually think I’ve been through a few too many but life goes on. You keep on going with the flow, at least I try to do so. Then again, I am not the only one who is or will be faced with things that will impact their lives forever. It’s just that feeling of “oh, I must be the only one ever to have this happening to me!” thought that grips you at first, and only later on, time really has healed a lot of the wounds that were inflicted on you, self-inflicted or not.

Now I am not the one to rethink and over-analyse any more. Nope, the “fight or flight” survival mode is installed very deep in my brain; so much so that the fight-mode is darn stuck on that modus operandi. It’s that little subconscious voice that tells you what is really going on, what you should do and what you should avoid while keeping a fighting spirit at the same time.

For example, it told me that, even though the new guy I met was not the right one for me, I just didn’t want to give in to that little voice at all. Three years I kept denying that little voice until it came roaring at me, yelling “WILL YA PLEASE EVER LISTEN TO ME OR WHAT??”

“Jeez, no need to scream THAT loud”, I thought… “I hear ya, I hear ya…” and when I finally did give it to it, it just felt right. No tears, no regrets, just feeling so good about something that my instinct had told me all along. I felt like the weight of the world had fallen off my shoulders, and I now realized what Atlas must’ve felt like when he asked Hercules to take over the world for a wee while.

Hercules? Or was it some other lion-clothed man with golden locks and blue eyes? Ah well, to this day it was the best decision I ever made letting that chap go. Or was it really “I” who let go? After all, it was my sub- or unconscious mind that yelled at me to let go. Am I really responsible for that thought so? Nah, more than often that was a mix of my unconscious and conscience telling me not to, because believe it or not, I really do have a head on my shoulders that does some thinking now and then. I am not totally brainless, oh no, no, no, no! :)

The one time I was knocked out for six was when a certain neurologist told me “yes, you do have MS so from now on you will have to change your lifestyle“. Er… OK, I have MS. OK, I can change my lifestyle. Surely there can’t be any problem there, right? My instinct was telling me “told you you work too hard over the last 15 years or so” and the rest of me was like… “Say wháááát???”

Complete denial for 2 weeks, yes/no, no/yes, yes/no, yes/yes… There was an inside battle in my brain of not believing, of not wanting to believe, of laughing it away and of just going on as if I was still the one hanging off rocks and doing hill-walking, when in fact my body had since then long decided that that kind of life was over. For now at least.

To this day, 6 years later, I am still having the conscious/unconscious battles going on in regards to the biggest life-changing event I’ve so far had to deal with. But those thoughts are not life-changing anymore, they’ve taken on the form of “will I do my dishes now or will I sleep a bit more first and will I not feel guilty if I decide to sleep a bit longer”… Nothing too drastic so, at least not so if you don’t mind your dishes waiting to be done another day!

More than often I just let them decide for itself. I’ve made big decisions about my illness and look… I am still alive. Now how the hell did that happen? Surely I was not going to survive such a diagnosis?? But hahaha to those who thought I would not survive, I beat you! I will keep on beating you and you know what? I don’t give a damn anymore what you think of me, as long as I am happy with myself! How’s that for surviving eh? :D

So when you think that you are going through a bad patch and you won’t survive… Just listen to your instincts and let time be the best healer it has always been. You will make it, on your own or with the help of others. But you will survive!

© WVE and Ireland, MS and Me, 2011-2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to WVE and Ireland, MS and Me with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

2 Comments

  1. machteld lepeer says:

    Meiske,
    héél goed geschreven, de waarheid met de nodige humor, en ja… schrijf een boek, je hebt er de aanleg voor!
    Het is top-leesmateriaal!
    Ben trots op jou,
    je mama.

    Like

    • willemina73 says:

      Merci mama! Heel mooi wat je schrijft… ik ga proberen een boek te schrijven, je weet maar nooit wat er allemaal uit mijn pen (nou ja… laptop) zal en kan vallen :D)

      Ik zie je zeer, zeer graag!

      xxxxxxxx

      Like

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