When I was 7, I wanted to be a ballerina.
When I was 8, I wanted to work in a library.
When I was 9, I wanted to be Florence Nightingale.
When I was 10, I wanted to be Ivan Lendl (mind you, there was the issue of him being male and me being female, so that was always going to be a hard one).
When I was 11, I wanted to be a tourist guide or an archaeologist.
When I was 11,5 I wanted to marry a pop star. I know… Teenage dreams…
When I was 13 to the age of 18-ish, I wanted to work in a library and/or live in Ireland. Old loves die hard.
I’ve always been one to multitask, if anything. Or call it “multi-loving” because to this day, I still want to be a psychologist among many other things. Yet, I when it was time to decide on a career, I went back to my second love of wanting to be a library assistant, or a librarian. I wasn’t going to make a lot of money being one, but at least I’d be with my first love of my life… Books. Having seen how a library works on the inside, I now get shivers down my spine thinking I might have become a librarian if I didn’t decide to stop the library sciences studies that would’ve taken me to that level (because as a librarian you have to deal with money instead of books). So I got my library assistant certificate and worked in libraries for about 7 years before moving to Ireland. And I absolutely loved it. BIG TIME. No other place I’d rather be than a library. I could live in one too, as long as there’s a fridge, a king size bed with a single electricity blanket, and a decent amount of ice cream. Sounds ethereal and heavenly to me. Absolutely.
But anyway, I am not going to keep writing about libraries because I might start boring myself with minute going-ons. The reason why I am putting this to paper is that I have found so much knowledge in one, yet no library in the world could ever teach you the knowledge that you need to deal with in life. Psychology books, the popular type of them, can only teach you so much, so I learnt a lot through dealing with people, friends, family, colleagues and college buddies. I learnt a lot in my first year psychology in college, and in my counselling studies (Diploma with Merit, if I may say so myself! :). But with life itself… There is no bigger or better teacher out there to teach you about it.
As you grow older, your values change, and so do your perceptions of yourself, the people around you and the world. Because I could easily watch those changes going on in myself, I haven’t really taken on a drama queen attitude in life (the mere idea of it would almost set me off in a drama queen spin… Almost). Why on earth would you behave like that when you can easily deal with life in a more relaxed and more thought of way?
To be honest, drama queens freak me out. Some people just don’t have a clue of what they’re doing when they’re behaving like magazine-celebrities telling about their latest fling or their latest nose job as if it was the most important story on the BBC news. Get a life, you narcissists and attention seeking people. People in Africa, and elsewhere, are starving so get off your high horse and start living. Same goes for us mere mortals who are completely living in a dream world, and mind you, I’ve been around a few in my life.
There are dreams and then there is living in a dream world. People who are living in a dream world are those that are just so out of touch with what is going on in this world, or how they should behave as an adult, they make you wonder if they ever passed the kindergarten stage of life at all. People who dream are those who have a grip on reality as well as knowing what they also want to achieve.
The first group of people would make perfect psychological research creatures, oh yes they would. Freud would have loved to research them in his field of study. So right, I’ve established myself as a dreamer and “drama-queen-free”, but I will, I never allow myself to live in a dream world. I’ve got my feet rooted very deep on this hallowed ground and I am not letting go of that.
Maybe, just maybe for that reason, I haven’t made a huge pooha when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Sure, there was a 2-week denial period, but after that I started living life very much into my newly achieved reality. This was how it was going to be from then on… Being strong yet remembering the good days with my old self and enjoying success that might still come my way. Of course, some days are easier than others, I never said that was not going to be the case anymore because I am not a super hero, or emotionless about my fate.
Battling on however, and smiling despite the headaches of having had to let go of certain old dreams, thát is what I want my legacy to be. My legacy is to challenge this my with grace, with certainty of what I’m doing while not letting go of certain dreams. Sure who knows, I might eventually finish my psychology degree, even if it takes me another 30 years to achieve it. But I will do it… Somehow. Because whatever your age, your biggest and brightest dreams are hard to let go of.
I’m almost 38, and I don’t care anymore about marrying a pop star, or becoming a nurse, a tennis player. I’ve made some dreams come true, moving to Ireland being the biggest one of them. I’ve made some other dreams come true, but I don’t need to keep reflecting on them. I just want to be happy for the rest of my life. Because life is pretty good right now. Even with that illness that can’t be cured. Life is good with the family I still have, and the things I can still do. It’s about abilities instead of dis-abilities. Simple as.
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