Letting go

Life is a joke…

Really, it is. People disappear from your life but it’s not until after they’re gone that you realize how much you liked being around them. Or you realize what being truly happy means because you’ve known absolute sadness. Or you start appreciating silence because you know how loud, annoying and horrible noise can be. Life is a joke so, it makes you learn lessons by applying the opposite of what you want. Life is a joke in an ironic way.

Murphy’s Law had it in for me years ago. Anything that could go wrong just went totally wrong. In the space of 3.5 years I lost part of myself (thank you so much MS!) and 5 people died in my family of which 3 of them were close relatives. My dog also passed away and I just about felt every bone and nerve fiber in my body go nuts as I also stood next to my grave after a serious hospital infection. To put the cherry on the cake, I broke my tailbone (or coccyx) on the first day back at work after an absence of 3 months. P-a-i-n-f-u-l!!! Someone really had it in for me! I felt cursed, doomed and chased by the death card from a Tarot deck.

I’m almost too afraid to think about it, let alone write about it just in case Murphy finds me again. I’d like to think that I live my life being positive at all times and I won’t allow any negativity in my life. After all that, I believe those bad moments were open books from which I could learn from and did I learn? I most definitely did. Fast. And loads. A chance to become wise before I had one gray hair on my head. I will not write about everything because I want to keep some bits and pieces private but from what I will write you might get a general idea of how Murphy attacked me left, right and center…

Wolf

In 2006 my dog Wolf had to be put down due to crippling, old age. The dog I used to call from Ireland, just to hear his “woo woo” and his “I miss you! Where have you gone to?” barking out of joy but also pain of being left behind with my parents. I would call the dog and my colleagues thought I had completely lost the plot. The one with such trusting, brown eyes I just had to nickname him “Coffee Eyes”. Wolf – who wasn’t a wolf but looked like a wolf – used to sit up straight on my lap making me invisible as the only thing you could see was a dog with human legs sticking out from under him. Yes, he was that tall and big. And a character to match his bodily mass. Six and a half years later I still dream of him and I still miss him big time; I miss the long and many, many walks, the talks and the jumping around like a kid when we were ready to go out. My best friend had 4 legs and could bark in such a way it sounded like he was having conversations with you… must’ve been the Husky traits in his genes.

After my brother passed away, I started working even harder, delving myself in projects and forgetting about the losses of the months before that. I just went on like a blaze of glory was about to greet me. I was having a great time because I was allowed to work from home… that’s right,  me sitting in PJ’s until midday; getting dressed during lunchtime after a power-nap… knowing I was doing well professionally and studying to be a team leader. Totally unannounced I received an achievement award for doing a good job but after a while my body had had enough and it said ‘no, no more’ after about 6 month. MS wasn’t going to let me continue working like this, and off I went on sick leave. On and off. On new medication and off it again. Other new treatments and therapies and trying whatever I could.

A year after my brother passed away, I almost died myself because of a hospital superbug. What a way to go. As if we haven’t seen enough hardship yet. Murphy sure had it in for me, that’s a fact!

Months later, the day of my return to work came around and I was back on my bicycle, swerving through the streets in my housing estate on my way to the train station. Feeling happy-as-Larry until ta-dah… a speeding ramp broke my coccyx (tailbone)! Stop laughing dear reader because it was anything but funny! I could hardly crawl off my bicycle at the station, I could not sit down or stand up because of the massive pains yet I went into work because pppffffrrrrtttt… it was my first day back and all that! I just could not turn up at work, claim to be well-rested and out of pain while that little bone in my bum was making me walk like a duck and unable to sit, walk, stand or lie down. How… on… earth… Yes, how on earth was it possible to work like this?

Needless to say, after a sleepless night the little bone in my bum decided I had to go into the emergency room because this kind of pain… I never knew such a little bone could cause so much pain… I was mad at my coccyx, bloody hell I was mad at myself! I felt jinxed! And to top it off, I had never broken a bone in my body ever. But now I had and it couldn’t even be put it in a cast for people to write their names and wishes on! Murphy didn’t like me, not one bit!

So you can laugh about Murphy’s Law being weird and hilarious sometimes, but more often it isn’t a funny thing; it’s a sequence of ill-timed bad situations, issues and pain that makes you wonder what you have done in your life to deserve loss, hurt, funerals and tears.

If anything, life is a joke. It plays around with you like you are just a rag doll in the wind. It is a joke because we live complicated lives; we meddle with illnesses, death, hard work and living too little. And this is where Murphy’s Law will find us.

Life really has been a joke. But not anymore. My time of letting go has ended and my family and I are enjoying our strength, our lives and most of all… each other.

© WVE and Ireland, MS and Me, 2011-2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to WVE and Ireland, MS and Me with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

3 Comments

  1. Nola says:

    My broken coccyx is part of what led me to meeting you & I do know the amount of pain it caused. I went to work in my very physical job as well & never did go see a dr for it. I’m so sorry to hear of so many losses so close together but glad you were strong enough to get through it.

    Like

    • Billie says:

      True, which is why I live my life knowing that it can all be taken away in a split second. I therefore also wanted the tone of this post to have a bit of a funny undertone :) It was a difficult period but we all came out of it happy and with a full appreciation for life.

      Like

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