Waiting

Neurology waiting room in hospital. People waiting, wondering, dreading, hoping.

It is not fair. Nobody deserves to be here. Nobody is ever prepared to hear what the stranger in front of them has to say. A neurologist looks at your test results, gazing, thinking. Do they wonder how they will tell you that from this minute onwards, your life will be different, that you will have to change your lifestyle to suit your new, closest and most annoying illness, that your body had betrayed you?

Neurological illnesses walk in and out, often their illness seem larger than what they perceive themselves to be. For the ones sitting, waiting by themselves, without someone accompanying them, time goes slow. For the ones waiting with their boyfriends, spouses, parents, time is gentler. They talk about fears, or they talk about anything but the reason why they’re there.

For me, MS will always be a lonely illness because I am the first in my family who has it. It hampers, harms and sets boundaries where I want none. It shows me that people are vulnerable, open to inner destruction from a central nervous system gone wrong.

For me, it is love, friendship, knowledge and joy. It made me who I am today, strong, with the will to live fully. I will not falter, go into self-destruct. I will not go where I am not supposed to go. Stood at my own six foot under in 2008 and I returned. It wasn’t time yet.

One day, the race to erase MS will see medical research break through windows stained with pain, heartache and the question why. One day it will be fair that millions of people will be cured, their physical body slowly restored to what it maybe once was. Fairness will be smiling faces, medication chucked in bins.

Fairness will be healthy people, happy lives, restored confidence and friendships rekindled. That, and many, many more.

Waiting room fills with familiar faces with MS… harmed but alive, dreaming and hoping. One day neurology waiting rooms will be empty, MS cured and eradicated. Lives back to the way they used to be.

Love. Friendship. Healthy. It is not a dream.

It will be reality.

(Written from Neurology waiting room in Beaumont Hospital, Dublin)

© WVE and Ireland, MS and Me, 2011-2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to WVE and Ireland, MS and Me with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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13 Comments

  1. Pingback: On This Earth | Beatingrheumatoidarthritis

  2. Irma says:

    I can so relate to the wait thing. And then having to be examined by first a physician’s assistant and then the physician himself. What makes all this worse is that being a nurse, you understand it all, almost against your will. But, you continue the battle against RA, a battle that you must stay vigilant for, since it lurks in strange places.

    • Billie says:

      Exactly! After spending 8.5 years in neurology waiting rooms, I would like to think I am used to it by now. I think I am, but nevertheless, sometimes it feels like the first time. Memories of the day of my diagnosis return and sometimes you just want to forget and go on with life.

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